Friday, December 6, 2013

Life's Little Hardships

It's sometimes difficult to admit that you're not happy with how your life is going, and that you're certainly not meeting even a fraction of your potential. I find myself mulling this over almost every night that I forget to take my medicine on time. 
Whether it's just chemical withdrawal, the depression the medicine controls, or actual discontent, it gnaws its way to the forefront of my thoughts.

I'm sure I'm not alone.
Being 20-something and living with your parents seems to be more common than usual in my generation. So is being 20-something and still working on your college degree. Being unemployed is probably even more common.
Being all three is just depressing.

I do have excuses. I know they're credible and hold water. I've had a myriad of problems that have kept me from following the footsteps of my former classmates and graduating on time.
I've had major depressive disorder for 6 years. Add 1 year to high school.
I developed iron-deficient anemia in my sophomore year of college and had to drop out. I lost my $16,000 scholarship as a result. A whole year spent out of school as a result. 4 months of feeling sorry for myself, 1 month of having a terrible first job experience, and 7 months of working a fairly pleasant but grueling job washing dogs.
I became anemic again this summer. Had to withdraw from a 4 credit class.
A month later I started experiencing somatic symptoms of anxiety that mimicked cardiac issues. It was an extremely stressful time for my family and I was starting an English class, which has bad memories for me. Had to withdraw from a 3 credit class.
This semester I had one class, Sculpture. I developed freakish allergies and once again... Had to withdraw from a 3 credit class.

So here I sit, at home every day.
I can't hold a job with these allergies. I don't respond to over-the-counter pills or even the prescription nasal spray I was given. I'm currently taking sublingual immunization drops to raise my immunity.
It could take up to 9 months before I see results.
I can't go to school with these allergies either.
I can't do just about anything.
I am so unhappy.

I want to move forward more than anything in the world. I cannot express it enough. ...Yet I can't.
I have had a taste of an independent life though, and I am ravenous for more.
This week it has been just me and Jon here in the house. While he works, I sleep and try to rest enough to be energized for when he comes home.
I wake, I wash, I tend to home matters... Washing the dog, scrubbing the dishes, moving the laundry, watering the plants, things that are so mundane that we often ignore. 
I enjoy every moment of it.
When he is on the way home, I lay out the ingredients for our meal. I microwave and fry and boil. I make something to the best of my ability, which is far from impressive.
Then he arrives, I finish the cooking, and we feast.
It is beautiful.

I want this. I want this life.
I want a beautiful, simple, mundane life that I can call my own, in a place that is my own.
I want to own a dog.
I want to decorate for the holidays.
I want to have a corner of a room that I can call my studio.
I want to cook dinner for a smiling and tired man.

It can't happen and won't happen as long as I don't have a job. I cannot get a job without a degree. I cannot get a degree without my health.
...and so it stays the same.
None of this matters to the glaring eyes of society.
We're expected to move out at 18, get a job, hang the degree you earned above your desk. It's just not always that simple.
It's disheartening though. It's even tougher having to explain yourself to others, or even trying to.

Until I get better, I just have to keep doing what makes me happy. It's getting harder and harder though as my definition of "happy" changes.
Does watching TV or playing video games truly make me happy? Or do I just enjoy the fact that time has passed, and I'm one little bit closer to the next day coming around? I no longer know sometimes. 
I feel like most things I do are just to fill in the void of having nothing to do. 
An idle mind leads to idle thinking.
Idle thinking leads to pondering about life.

...and then I write long blog posts, just like this.

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