Thursday, July 15, 2010

Trust Issues

I'm not going to lie...

I have major trust issues.
So much so, that I no longer have close friends.
It's not that they don't like me... I just don't let anybody get close.
Hell, I don't even bother to contact my friends anymore.

I know it seems crazy to be so antisocial, and it almost sounds like I'm digging my own grave, but I honestly can't seem to handle friendship any longer.

I had a tough time with friends while growing up.
Over the years I had numerous friends, but none stuck around for very long.
I had three really close friends on my street, but each of them moved away.
I lost contact immediately with two of them, though that wasn't surprising... when you aren't old enough to be able to coherently write letters and have the patience of a goldfish when talking on the phone, keeping in touch is virtually impossible.
My other friend came to visit a few times but eventually we lost touch once my depression got out of hand, and I began to not contact anyone.

In elementary school, my bad luck continued.
My best friend in 1st grade moved.
My best friend in 2nd grade wasn't in my class the next year, and drifted apart.
My best friend in 3rd grade stopped talking to me the next year because it wasn't cool for boys to hang out with girls... My other close friend moved.
In 4th and 5th, I had a close group of friends that split apart when we went to middle school. I no longer spent time with any of them, really.
In 6th grade and 7th grade, I had a best friend who began to get involved with a different crowd when 8th grade came around. We completely drifted apart by the time high school came around.
My best friend in 8th grade ended up going to a different high school.
I had a bunch of close friends early in high school. My best friend in 9th grade became an arrogant braggart, and an overall bitch to be around in 10th grade.
That group of close friends proceeded to drift away and pretty much abandoned me when my depression got very bad in 12th grade.
Going through two break ups with people who were essentially my best friends during the time we dated didn't help either.

In general, my history with friends, especially close friends, has been a mess...
...A mess of disappointment, helplessness, and abandonment that hurt me more than I could ever possibly explain.
It kind of surprises me that I didn't give up sooner.

The most recent loss?
A friend that I knew since the 7th grade, and my best friend from 12th grade, my second senior year, and my freshman year of college.
It's a long story, but we basically had a falling out due to a disagreement.
I'm not one to argue with people... I hate fighting.
This case was different though. I felt like I had to defend myself and make a point of disagreeing with something I felt was wrong.
Well, she didn't want to hear it, and I essentially walked away because it was a lost cause.
She decided to be childish and volatile, and told me that as a result of the spat and my unwillingness to stop defending my stance, I wouldn't be getting the birthday gifts she got me or the concert tickets she bought for both me and my boyfriend.
That did it for me.

Do you know what it feels like when your best friend of almost three years won't defend you, after you helped them through the toughest of times, cared when nobody else seemed to care, and spent hours listening to their problems?
You basically feel used, that's what you feel.
Used, betrayed, angry, and even a little worthless.

The fact that she made an extra effort to hurt me by mentioning that I wouldn't be getting the stuff she purchased probably hurt me most.
Hell, I don't care if I never get my birthday gifts... I don't need anything, I'm happy with the stuff I have.
What really hurt me was the fact she'd stoop so low as to try and hurt me with that threat...
...and also the tickets.

Jon and I were so excited to go see that concert.
I was depending on my friend to buy the tickets for me because I was busy and couldn't purchase them myself. I was going to pay her back later.
Two of my favorite bands, both of which I probably would never get a chance to normally see because one is Australian and the other is from the UK, were playing there.
One of Jon's favorite bands was playing too, and we were thrilled to be able to go to our first concert together.
It was going to be the highlight of our first summer together.

Well, as things turn out, she kept her word and I never did get those tickets.
We never spoke since that incident, and it was only a few days ago that I heard on Facebook that the date of the concert came and passed.
She, of course, went, and happily proclaimed on her status that one of the bands I had been wanting to see for years was "amazing" at the show.

I immediately felt a wave of pain wash over me as I realized how little I meant, even as a human being.
If I was in her shoes, I would of dropped off the tickets in her mailbox and demanded my money within in the next 24 hours.
I wouldn't be able to deal with the guilt of robbing someone of the opportunity of a lifetime.
By not giving me the tickets, she also ended up punishing Jon, someone who didn't have anything to do with the situation.
The fact that Jon was robbed of this opportunity too just made me hurt even more.

Since finding out that the concert date passed, I took her off my friends list on Facebook because it's pointless to have her on there.
We aren't going to reconcile, and there's no point in seeing any more stuff from her that might bring me more pain.
Jon had tried to comfort me, telling me it's not my fault and he doesn't blame me.
Still, nothing can stop the nightmares I've been having every night since I found out.

They're horrible nightmares...
Dreams of elementary school memories of being bullied, but more severe.
Kids tearing up my drawings and artwork, taking things from my desk for fun, taunting and jeering.
Some of the nightmares I can't remember at all anymore...
Jon has woken me up twice from two different nightmares because my breathing became fast, and at one point my eyes even rolled up.

So you see why I have trust issues?
Every close friend I ever had left me, abandoned me, or hurt me in some way.
I don't trust anyone anymore, and I feel like if I let anyone get too close, I'm just going to get hurt in the end.
Why bother having close friends when you can just keep to yourself most of the time, and be safe...

The only people I can truly trust are Jon and my family.
It's hard... but with the pain I've been through, I think it's best that way.

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