Blarg on a Blog

Haven't really been up to anything artistic lately.

Unfortunately, I think I've been relapsing into depression, and things just aren't very appealing at the moment. I definitely haven't been playing PC games as often, haven't watched a movie in quite a long time, haven't touched any of my art stuff, and just have been a bit of an apathetic mess.

Pokemon GO has gotten kind of stale, so I don't really have much motivation to walk around anymore. Plus I have this sense of anxiety when I go outside and walk alone... I guess that's what happens when you get honked at too many times, and spoken to by strange older men. I don't feel safe. Sure, call me a pathetic fear-mongering woman all you want, but when a creepy guy walks past you and then circles back to complement your fucking boots, which REALLY aren't that special, you start feeling a bit uncomfortable. (Not to mention that our neighbor had a truck pull up next to her once, and  a few years ago a woman got kidnapped and raped about 2 minutes away from where I live.)

I've tried to force myself to work on art things, I really have. I usually just get bored and stop. I don't feel inspired or motivated. I've even tried going shopping for art supplies to try and get my creative juices flowing, and that hasn't really helped at all.

I'm not really sure what I need to do in order to fix this. I guess it's just tough to be in my position. I'm 26, I live with my parents, and I'm too much of a mess to hold down a job. I can't even spend my time on my hobbies, how the hell can I hold a job? It's so hard to feel like anything I do matters.

Speaking of being a mess, I got pretty sick this past week. I haven't been sick for a while. I've had migraines and anxiety, sure, but this was a pretty nasty sort of head cold. Thankfully I'm getting better. Maybe being able to get out of the house again will help a bit.

Another frustrating thing has been trying to explain to people that I can't attend their parties/social gatherings. Something has come up and I really just don't feel comfortable being around alcohol for the time being. How do you explain that without it sounding like an excuse, or having to explain your reasoning why? I don't have to share every particular of my life with everyone, I share enough. I just hope that nobody feels like I'm brushing them off, or am a "sober party-pooper" now.

Angry rant about gaming incoming...

A little word of advice to all you dumbfucks who are against violence in video games... I have some crazy ideas for you.
1.) Don't let your kids play a game you don't agree with
2.) Realize that fantasy and reality are two completely different things, and aren't reflective of each other.

In real life I'm a 24 year old female college student with a great boyfriend, a love for animals, and I'm working towards becoming a do-it-yourself toy maker.
When I play open-world games like Fallout: New Vegas, I play a male, mohawked psychopath who collects human body parts and knives, and decorates my home with them.

Does my fantasy life spill over into my real life?
No, because games aren't real and have no consequence.
In reality, I have a conscience, I have my morals, and I have a life.
If you can't separate the two, then maybe playing video games, watching movies, reading books, and even having goddamn dreams at night aren't for you, and you should see a psychiatrist immediately.

What Happened To Me?

Here's what happened in a nutshell... with PUPPIES.

It angers me when people say "ADHD isn't real"

This is a response I wrote to a discussion about whether ADHD is real or not. I think it's important to get this out there, because these days psychologists are quick to label children that have active imaginations or disciplinary problems as having the illness. Over-diagnosis and false diagnoses are rampant, but that doesn't mean that ADHD doesn't exist.


"ADHD is very real, I live with it every day. I have "inattentive type" ADHD, and it's a complete pain in the ass. When two people talk, or someone talks during a movie or tv show, it's as if both become white noise and I can't focus on either. I always have to make people repeat themselves in crowds because of this, and sometimes I just can't even hear myself think in situations most people can handle. I forget things easily, and often will go to a room in the house to find or do something, think about something on the way there, and when I arrive I've completely forgotten what I came there for. It's not life-breaking, but its a daily annoyance and something the people who are close to me have to deal with. I am not "slow," "mentally challenged" or haven't been disciplined enough as a child. I have a 3.86 GPA in college thusfar, and excel at many different things. I just usually have to take a smaller workload to make up for the loss of focus I experience."

That being said, depression is very real too... But I've said enough about my experience with it on this blog already. Look it up if you have to.

Back to School... and back to fear.

Tomorrow I'm going to visit UConn Stamford to figure out when and how I'm going to go back to college.
I'm not going to lie... I'm PETRIFIED.

I've had a bad relationship with education.
I grew up bullied in school for being creative and "different" in a snobby town full of clones, but excelled in almost everything.
That all changed when I hit my teenage years.
I started noticing that I had to wrestle with my mind to keep focused. I became easily distracted, and gained a hatred of long-term things, like projects and essays.
Short-term things, I continued to do well at... math problems, standardized tests, short answer questions, and the like.

When I turned 16, it was apparent that something was extremely wrong. Nobody goes from being a straight A student to a kid struggling with their grades without something happening.
Turned out I had two things... major depressive disorder, aka depression, and ADHD-PI.

What's ADHD-PI?
For starters, the PI stands for "predominantly inattentive."

Wikipedia can explain the rest:

ADHD-PI is different from the other subtypes of ADHD in that it is characterized primarily by inattention, easy distractibility, disorganization, procrastination, forgetfulness, and lethargy - fatigue, but with fewer or no symptoms of hyperactivity or impulsiveness typical of the other ADHD subtypes. In some cases, children who enjoy learning may develop a sense of fear when faced with structured or planned work, especially long or group-based that requires extended focus, even if they thoroughly understand the topic. Children with ADHD-PI may be at greater risk of academic failures and early withdrawal from school. Teachers and parents may make incorrect assumptions about the behaviours and attitudes of a child with ADHD-PI, and may provide them with frequent and erroneous negative feedback (e.g. "you're irresponsible", "you're immature", "you're lazy", "you don't care/show any effort", "you just aren't trying", etc.).

The inattentive children may realize on some level that they are somehow different internally from their peers. However, they are also likely to accept and internalize the continuous negative feedback, creating a negative self-image that becomes self-reinforcing. If these children progress into adulthood undiagnosed or untreated, their inattentiveness, ongoing frustrations, and poor self-image frequently create numerous and severe problems maintaining healthy relationships, succeeding in post secondary schooling, or succeeding in the workplace. These problems can compound frustrations and low self-esteem, and will often lead to the development of secondary pathologies including anxiety disorders, sexual promiscuity, mood disorders, and substance abuse.

And there you have it. Me in a nutshell.
When I was officially diagnosed, I was floored. It was like somebody had observed my life and behaviors, and wrote a description of it.
I tried ADD medications, and had horrible heart-related side effects, leading my psychiatrist to scrap the ADD treatment altogether, and go straight for the neck of the depression.
Two years later, I was depression free, and have been ever since.

But what of my education?
I ended up failing classes in high school, and having to take 5 years to graduate what normally takes 4 years.
And if you've been following this blog at all, you know what happened to me in college... my lack of focus and frustration led to getting tons of incompletes, and eventually it was anemia that screwed me completely over.

Like I said, I'm not going to lie...
I'm scared to death of going back to school.
I have nightmares every week about school... elementary school, middle school, high school, college, you name it.
I either am failing, can't remember my schedule, late to class, missing a test, being kicked out of school, having to escape school, being yelled at by a teacher, being tortured by classmates, or the like.
Don't get me wrong, my life is great right now. I'm not depressed at all. At night while I'm asleep, however, my mind likes to dig up crap from the past and taunt me with it. It's like school-induced PTSD.

I'm wrestling right now about going back to college.
I know I can't ever get a job better than dog-washing without a degree, and it's not fair to Jon to not finish college while he works so hard to do so.
But I haven't changed. I can't focus, I hate projects, I drive myself crazy with my forgetfulness and inability to pay attention to things.
I think I need to try medication again... but I'm scared of side-effects too.
It's one evil or another. Failure, or the discomfort of having your brain go haywire from side-effects... a tough choice.

It all scares me.
Life never gets easy, does it?