I really should be sleeping, but I feel way too restless...
...not just in a "I can't sleep!" sort of way, but also a "what should I do with my life?" sort of sense.
Things have changed a lot.
For one, I am most likely not returning to college.
Before you judge me and label me as a college dropout, that's really not the case.
Originally, I left college because of my anemia and planned to return once I got better. It took about a month for me to realize that I really didn't want to go back. It wasn't that I wanted to laze around at home all day and leech off of my parents. It was that I really wasn't me anymore, and I wasn't truly happy.
Let's face it... School is one extremely long journey that ultimately leads to a college degree.
Not a job... a degree. The degree is a tool that is used to get a job, and usually you get a degree so you can get the job of your choosing.
The thing is, college only complicated my ideas of the future instead of condensing it into a decision.
I really became lost in all the possibilities, and though some classes were incredibly enjoyable, others were pain-staking and annoying. All of the work and stress really made me wonder what I was really working for.
The truth is, I don't know what I want to major in.
I don't know what kind of job I want.
I don't know what I'd like to train to become, and I don't know what I want to spend the rest of my life doing.
Stress to do well, stress due to my health, stress of the future... it all adds up.
It also really detracted from my life.
Without college, I realized, I was nothing.
I was nothing but a student, but when that's stripped away, I'm nobody.
I don't have any real hobbies, goals, ambitions, or anything else.
My one goal in life was only to graduate college for a degree... but that's an empty goal, and that's really no way to live.
Taking this time to recover from my health issues has really helped me realize what in life I actually value.
With all the stress from college gone, I've gotten a lot more in tune with what I actually want in life as well... not just what is wanted from me.
I've come to the conclusion that I want to get a real job. I want to have something to be proud of, I want to bring home a paycheck. I want the satisfaction of knowing that I am capable of doing something out in the real world.
I want to further expand my art. Since my recovery from depression almost 3 years back, I've barely drawn anything, let alone actually worked on art. Of course, I've done some polymer clay work for Etsy, but definitely not enough. I want to try to get back into drawing, digital art, maybe even perler beads... those look like a lot of fun. Either way, I want to produce. I want to share my work, sell my work, whatever. As long as it isn't just sitting in my mind somewhere, that's fine with me.
Do I really want to never go back to college?
No, not really.
I'd like to go back someday. My credits are good for the next 8 years, so there's always the option to go back.
For now though, I feel like I need to prove to myself that I can self-provide and that I'm capable of... well, living.
I need the success that I stressed so much over... because honestly, it's 4 years to get a degree, and that's kind of disheartening and discouraging at times. But a week for a paycheck... that's almost instant gratification in comparison, and right now I need that.
So why am I so restless?
I'm brainstorming all of these things I should do.
I want to try out perler bead art.
I'm thinking of all the things I can draw when I get my new tablet.
I'm planning new things to make out of clay.
I'm mulling over job possibilities.
Now that I've written this though, I'm finally getting sleepy...
That's a good thing, I think.