Sometimes You Need to Slow Down...

Last week I was dissatisfied with the amount of time I spent doing unproductive things, like grinding levels on World of Warcraft, napping, and watching TV.
I really thought that setting goals for myself and trying to work harder would help me be more productive.

You know what?
I was wrong.
Turns out that pushing myself did absolutely nothing, because I was fighting against forces that are simply unbeatable.

When Thursday came around, I managed to get significant work done in Ceramics. At the end of the day however, Jon came and picked me up and everything hit me at once. I was exhausted emotionally, physically, everything.
I was way too relieved to have a shoulder to lean on, and didn't bother doing anything. For once this week I felt like I could just let go.
Even so, the weekend nights were filled with nightmares, 4am wake-ups, and lying awake while my entire body ached. At least two nights I had to repeat my waffle adventure in the middle of the night, because my limbs and muscles hurt for no reason and I'm unable to take an Advil on an empty stomach.
(Last time I had Advil on an empty stomach, I threw up at a family friend's day-after-the-wedding party... into a garbage can right in front of the bride and groom. Not fun at all.)
I managed to spend about an hour and a half on Saturday glazing a shot glass set, but I didn't realize that the school closed at 5pm on Saturday so I had to leave early. Other than that, I didn't really do anything of any significance.

Many people don't realize that stress isn't just an uncomfortable feeling.
Stress is a monster hiding beneath an emotion... Something that affects you emotionally, physically, and mentally.
Only now do I really realize that my recent lack of productivity had nothing to do with laziness, but just me trying to cope with the immense amount of stress I'm facing right now...
...And now that my stress is starting to manifest itself in nightmares, body aches, and lack of sleep, I'm okay with not being as productive as I used to be.
I'm doing the best I can under the current circumstances I'm facing.

What could possibly be stressing out a part-time, unemployed community college student?
I'll try to list off a few causes.

• I will be in school for AT LEAST 4 MORE YEARS if I want to become a vet tech. As if that isn't stressful enough...
• I don't know which schools I'll be going to after I get my Associates of General Studies
• Only certain schools offer American Veterinary Medical Association certified degrees (one is required in most states)
• I'm graduating with my Associates of General Studies at the end of Fall 2013. Jon graduates with his Bachelors in Criminal Justice at the end of Summer 2013. What Jon is going to do during Fall 2013 while I'm finishing my degree is up in the air. If his summer internship...
• ...leads to a job, then he will need housing. My house is a zoo, and probably would not be a suitable place for him to get the rest needed for a criminal justice job. Apartments in the area are expensive as hell though.
• ...doesn't lead to a job, he'll probably have to get a different job here or in Delaware, meaning we're...
• ...either not seeing each other for about three months.
• ...back to the housing issue.
• FAMILIAL ISSUES. Nuclear family, outside family, you name it. I can't go into detail because I have to respect the privacy of my family, but basically things are absolutely maddening. I feel the need to move out, but...
• ...I'm not graduating until Fall 2013, so that's more time stuck at home
• ...Apartments here are expensive, remember?
• ...OH YEAH, I don't have a driver's license yet, so even if I wanted to get away for a DAY, I can't.
• My YouTube and Etsy aren't making money like they used to. I also don't have the time for a job without sacrificing my schoolwork. Jon doesn't have a job either. We're a young, broke couple basically.
• I've gotten attached to dog from Bully Breed Rescue, and it's saddening me horribly that I have pretty much a 0% chance of moving out in time to adopt this dog.
• I have no job and apartments are EXPENSIVE here, remember?
• He has to be an only dog, so even if by some insane miracle my parents offered to adopt the dog for me until I move out, they wouldn't be able to... because we have a dog.

To make a long story short, nothing is certain, I'm trapped in a place I no longer want to be, doing things I no longer want to do, and not doing things that I wish I could do but can't.

It's taken such a toll on me that I think it's honestly best if I just keep doing what I'm doing, because for now that's good enough. No productivity week, no goals other than just getting to school, doing my work, making a new video every time an event hits, and bringing home good grades.
It's good enough.

Observations about this blog

I've been looking at some of my older blog posts lately, and I just realized how this blog has degenerated from a personal blog to one that just updates when I put new things in my shop.
Things have been busy with the holidays... Work has been quite brutal, I'm almost constantly tired, and generally just haven't felt like writing anything at all.
That being said, I don't want this blog to become... well, boring. Updates to the shop is nice and all, but I know that you could just check our Facebook or Twitter page for those things.

It's going to be my goal to update this blog a bit more often, and give glimpses into my crazy life once again. After all, that's how this blog gained so many followers in the first place. Views have really been dropping off since I stopped updating regularly, and I can understand why.

Also, spell-check doesn't recognize "Facebook." You would think...

YOU'RE FIRED!

Sooo, yeah. I got fired yesterday.
BY TEXT.
(Technology, what have you done? People don't even have the decency to call anymore.)

I could rant about how bad the management was there, how they are technically breaking laws, and how that job was close to being slave labor... but I would end up ranting for ages.

Let's just sum up everything to some life lessons I have learned...

1) Ask more questions about a job before you sign anything.
If I had known that I would be mopping floors until 1am whenever I had the closing shift, I wouldn't have taken the job. Heck, I wish they would have at least told me I was going to be a janitor. Looking back now, I probably should have asked what exactly the job entailed before signing all the necessary papers. Because I didn't ask, I got stuck doing backbreaking work nearly nonstop for 7-9 hour shifts for minimum wage... I could have just been sitting on my butt and managing phone calls and appointments as a receptionist somewhere, to the sweet tune of $12 an hour. Instead I was on my feet all day, cleaning sticky yogurt and toppings.

2) Stupid people don't like it when you make them look stupid... especially when that person is your manager.
I'm going to be blunt... my manager was an idiot. The very first weekend I worked, he changed my shift without notifying me, and proceeded to blame me when I didn't show up. This led to him being scolded at our employee meeting by the owner himself. You see, the manager was supposed to email us the schedule every single time there was an edit made. He didn't do that, and the owner embarrassed him in front of all of us by telling us it was "his mistake" and to do that next time. I believe this was the beginning of his grudge against me. When I tried to take a sick day and he accused me of all these crazy things, like not working for two days the previous week, and calling "every day" to take a day off (neither of which were true at all), I emailed the owner to clear up any problems. That must have embarrassed him again, seeing that he probably was getting his own employees mixed up. Pointing out discrepancies between what he said about breaks and the Employee Handbook was probably the last straw. People just don't like being wrong, and I guess being upstaged by someone more than ten years younger than you AND someone lower on the employee ladder probably led to some anger.

3) Customer service is the key to success, and good tips.
During my short employment, I was astounded how much a good attitude could affect the behavior of your customers. If you took the time to explain how the shop worked to new customers, greet them as they approached the register, and told them to "have a nice day" after their transaction, they were a lot more likely to leave tips. They also were more likely to return, recognize you the next time, and even talk to you while you were getting them their change. Incredibly enough, neither the owner or manager cared about customer service. They were more focused on cleanliness and how much money they made. After a lot of observation though, it was easy to see the difference in behavior between the customers who interacted with a bored cashier, and those that I was tending to. Making the kids happy was the most important part. Kids are sometimes intimidated by people who are older than them. If you can break down that barrier by asking them what flavor they got, commenting on their stack of gummi worm toppings, or just being nice, they start gaining an attachment to the store. One kid whose family I had spoken to on a few occasions exclaimed to me that he was at the store 4 times already, and it was his favorite place. Customer service really is where the money lies, not in having the store spot-free.

At least I learned something from being fired, haha.

Back to looking for jobs... and hey, at least I have cashiering experience now. That'll hopefully open up some more avenues of employment.

In other news, I'm going to Delaware to visit Jon tomorrow!
Hey, it's not like I have to worry about a work schedule anymore, right?
This is exactly what I needed... a nice, relaxing break with my favorite person in the world! <3
Definitely looking forward to it.

Until next time!

An Update on Life and New Vegas

Things truly never get easy.

In terms of crafts, I really haven't been crafting too much lately. I've been busy with work and trying to sleep a lot to help my muscles and body to recover. I've been doing a lot of cleaning at work, and it's taken an enormous toll on my body. I don't do any physical labor, and I don't exercise either. Basically, a day at work is like a workout, and I'm a beginner.
I did receive my wool roving in the mail, and have started a small little project. I'm really not too great at it since I'm still learning. I'm going to give Jon my first creation, so I can't say anything about it... I want it to be a surprise. :) Once I'm done I'll post a photo though!

Work is not going well. I don't want to say too much because I don't want to violate any non-disclosure agreement, but basically the manager and assistant manager really don't seem to like me. I've slipped up on certain things a few times, which is entirely my own fault, but other things have happened that just don't make any sense. I've been blamed for things that even the owner said I'm not responsible for, been accused of taking days off when I haven't, (and which my timecard can attest to) and stuff like that. I don't know what I've done wrong, but I have a bad feeling that I'm going to get axed sometime soon.

I also got my new HP laptop in the mail (did I mention that already in an earlier post? I forget...) which I've been extremely thankful to have. It's so much faster, the graphics on my games are unbelievable, and hopefully will last me a lot longer than my Alienware... which I also recommend everyone NOT to buy from. In fact, don't buy anything made by DELL. The quality of their laptops is really sub-par compared to HP.

I just installed a bunch of fun, yet lore-friendly mods for Fallout: New Vegas. I'm going to make a new character and play through the game again. Some mods I got were:
FOOK - Basically an amazing pack of retextures, new items that stay true to the game, bug fixes, and other things to make the game better. I had the Fallout 3 version before and was very satisfied with it. I hate altering games dramatically, but this one stays true to the Fallout universe and improves upon certain things the game developers missed.
Existence 2.0 - A radio station run by a robot that plays strange, creepy electronic music. I had this for Fallout 3 as well.
Mr. New Vegas' Secret Stash - 100 extra tracks for Radio New Vegas, all from the same era as the original tracks.
Sunny Smiles Companion - Allows you to have Sunny as a companion, as well as her dog Cheyanne... if she survives the tutorial, that is.
Melissa Lewis Companion - Allows you to have a pre-existing Great Khan as a companion. The creator spliced sound files to build her dialogue options, wanting to make it as true to the game as possible.
ED-E Light Step - Gives ED-E the Light Step perk so he doesn't set off mines all the time.
Centered 3rd Person Camera - self explanitory
Companion Sandbox Mode - Allows you to tell you companions to chill out, so they don't just "wait" in the same spot forever, but actually sit in chairs, walk around, go to sleep, and other things like regular NPCs. No more standing around like statues.

Can't wait to test those out in-game. Probably will tonight. I'm not feeling too well, so I probably won't be able to play for too long.

That's all for now!

Life Musings (+ some grendels)

So.
I forgot to post these pictures of colorful grendels.
SO HERE THEY ARE.

Yes, they are pretty colors.

Anyway.

I've recently been thinking about how much my life has changed in the past few years... in fact, in the past month.

I remember being in high school, struggling with my schoolwork and fighting off the worst depression could throw at me... especially that feeling that I'd never amount to anything. It was a helplessness that I thought I was doomed to feel for the rest of my life.

Really, I now think that the reason why I felt so trapped and hopeless was because I was working at everybody else's pace, and not my own.

College proved that to me. I really couldn't handle college full-time. I found it impossible to balance spending time with my boyfriend, classwork, being social, and my free-time activities. Either I wasn't spending enough time together with Jon, I was neglecting my friends and roommates, I couldn't do anything enjoyable like gaming or listening to music, or I was skipping homework.

In other words, I was miserable, constantly letting someone or myself down.

Now that I'm moving through life at my own pace, I realized that I am capable of doing things... not the way people want them to be, not the way most people go through life, but I'm doing it nonetheless.

I have a job now!

Not a high-paying or well respected job, but it's a JOB.

I'm getting up in the morning, getting ready and arriving on time, and being functional again. It feels so good to know I'm capable of that, especially after all of the times I believed I could never do anything with my life at all.

I also have a fun and creative hobby of crafting, and the possibilities of what I can do are endless.

Maybe some day it could potentially become profitable, but right now I'm just happy with creating things.

I'm especially excited this weekend because I just received my needle-felting needles today, and my wool roving will most likely come in the mail on Monday.

I absolutely can't WAIT to start my hand at 3D needle-felting!

Best of all, I feel like I've attained somewhat of a balance to my life.

I have a job, which schedules out my week and gives me a source of income and accomplishment.

I have an incredible boyfriend, who gives me the continued support and confidence I need when I begin to doubt myself, or am hesitant to go forward.

I have a very supportive family, who is proud of me for the first time in a while.

And, of course, I have my creativity, which I had lost for a while and had feared was gone forever.

And when I compare that to my quality of life years ago...

...Change is good.

Brutal Honesty

Okay, I'm going to be horribly and brutally honest right now.
I am a lazy fuck.
Am I proud of it? Hell no.
There's something slightly disturbing about the fact that I can be completely content sitting in front of a computer just about all day, browsing the web, screwing around with Creatures 3, and playing computer games.
Am I going to do something about it?
I try, but nothing ever seems to stick.

This weekend I'm finally going to turn in my job applications to Gamestop and Barnes & Noble. I've been putting it off because I don't want to go to the mall for 5 minutes just to drop off the apps. Since I can't drive, I'd probably be dragged off to a million other stores with my mom anyway.
That's something else I've been putting off... getting my license.
I kind of get the feeling that I'll have to run a lot of errands for the family if I get my license... once again, I'm lazy.

I have to figure out what the hell motivates me.
I'm getting sick of my complacency with my current lifestyle.

I guess I'm going to force myself to work on some clay things today. I made a sale on April 6th, and that made me incredibly happy.
Maybe if I work a bit more I can get another, and that happiness will motivate me to work harder?
I hope that logic works.

21 Years Old?

Oh gawd, the big 21 is coming...
On April 18th I'll officially be 21. I'm a little nervous to be honest.
It seems silly because the only thing that changes is your legality regarding drinking, but despite what laws dictate, I feel like 21 is the real transition into adulthood.

When I turned 18 I had just been discharged from a psychiatric hospital for major depressive disorder, and was brooding over my current situation in the middle of Disney World.
Yeah, I definitely didn't feel like an adult at that time.
You really don't feel like much of an adult when you're still in high school finishing up your last few credits, either.
18 definitely wasn't my coming of age, even in the slightest.

How is my life like now that I'm approaching 21?
Well, I've got job applications scattered over my floor.
Depression has been completely under control for about 3 years.
I've experienced some college, though I'm taking a break.
I have an incredible boyfriend who I've been with for a year and a half. (Our year and a half mark was officially yesterday!)
As a bonus, I've picked up those "If it's not on sale, I probably won't buy it" and "If it's not broken, and can't be fixed, don't replace it" attitudes.
Guess that's what happens when you haven't had a real job yet and are strapped for cash.

To sum it up simply, I feel like I'm finally becoming an adult.
It's a weird feeling, and kind of intimidating.
This is the beginning of the rest of my life...

Anyway, in the "oh wow you can finally drink legally now" spirit, here's a link to a blog that I discovered through another blog!
(Regretsy, of course. Where else could you find links like these?)
It's a blog called Jelly Shot Test Kitchen.
Think Jell-O shots, but a lot more fancy and sophisticated.

I have NO IDEA what any of these taste like, because I'm a dork and vowed not to drink underage, and have actually managed to keep to it... but DANG do they LOOK good!

"Find Something to Believe In...."

Being in college has taught me a lot. I've learned better time management, how to live on my own and be self-supportive, how to be more responsible, and I think its safe to say my social skills have improved a little bit. I've grown as a person. But I've been starting to think to myself, and I'm sure others have at some point "Am I making the right choice?". This can apply to damn near anything but first I mean it in the career aspect. Do I really want to be a CJ major? Do I really want to work in law enforcement? Back in high school I had a few options for careers: being something CJ-related, a doctor, musician, an actor....blah blah. I sort of felt like I just chose to be a CJ because it was thrust upon me and it seemed like a good idea at the time; basically I'm trying to say that I feel like the decision wasn't really mine, that my parents thought I had an heightened interest in it and just assumed I wanted to pursue that and egged me on, when really I had no damn clue what I wanted to do/be. We're still trying to find our real identity and trying to be happy with who we are during that time.

So now to try to help all of you. I'm going to tell you what I did. Think and ask yourself, and dig deep, "Can I see myself doing this? What do I see myself doing with my life?" I did a lot of self-analyzing, and I still do. Now, I have my own spiritual beliefs, and my own theory on the universe, but I do like to think that there may be hidden signs that you're on the right "path". Take a step back from your life. And see if there is something hidden that you're missing. I really don't want to go into detail about the things in my life, at least not yet anyway, but these "signs" have the meaning you give them. So far, I think I'm making the right choice in my life and I'm going to stick with it, because I don't see a reason not to. I have a feeling deep down that it will be worth it, partly because I've seen a few signs along the way. But the key to this is finding out who you are, because then you can decide what you want to be.

Apart from finding out who you are, there is also finding out what makes you not just happy, but a whole person. These two things are connected: the person you are and what makes you feel fulfilled. So me pursuing a CJ major will make me happy and is some-what related to who I am, but that doesn't necessarily make me fulfilled. This is where things like hobbies come in and things like that, etc. An example: I'll admit I starting watching Man vs Wild from the start and I love watching it. I like how Bear goes into these situations with nothing but a knife, a flask, and the clothes on his back and shows you how to survive with just that. But I really love the outdoors, nature, solitude, etc; its sort of a secret little joy of mine. But I'd never really have the time or money or skill to just throw myself into the wild and have some epic self-revealing journey back to civilization. But I do enjoy the outdoors. A lot. Over this past Spring Break I went on a hike with some friends and I loved it. I did learn a few things about myself too. I'd like to go on more and in new locations, but there is more. I want to give back. That is where fulfillment comes in.

Find something that makes you happy and that you enjoy doing, but share your enjoyment somehow with someone. If I show a picture of a bird I saw on some hike to my girlfriend and just as long as she doesn't shrug it off like "Whatever...that's lame....", somewhere inside me that would make me happy because I'm sharing my experience with her. With all that said....I'll leave this here and let you mull over this. This isn't a clear cut guide to happiness or anything, but it may help you. Take from this what you will.

"Find something to believe in, and find it for yourself. When you do, pass it on to the future."
"Believe in what?"
"That's your problem."